I have learned that a crucial element of my depression is my energy level. The less energy that I have, the more down I get and the more anxiety that I have. Sometimes I try to combat this with coffee or SodaStream Energy, but ingesting large amounts of caffeine is not so good with somebody with high blood pressure.
Which brought me to Sunday night. With two little ones and Christmas coming up, our house looks like it has been hit with several tornadoes. Having a lot of energy, but wanting to just have fun on the weekend, I told Lovely Wife that I would clean the entire house in the next few days. My exact words, in fact, were “If I’m not done by Wednesday night, you can literally flog me with a wooden spoon.” She seemed pretty accepting and excited about this. Whether that was due to a clean house or the anticipation of a flogging, I do not know.
Unfortunately, Sunday night into Monday morning I just could not get to sleep. It was like my body was playing a cruel trick on me. I told Lovely Wife as much yesterday morning. She didn’t seem all that concerned, as I still had two days to make good on my pledge. I laid low yesterday, my mood wasn’t too shabby. I went to bed early.
Then I woke up today. Let me just say that housework is high on my list of Things I Do Not Like To Do. I honestly don’t mind the cleaning part. I can spray, scrub, vacuum, whatever. Even toilets. But clutter just turns my anxiety knob to 11. I hate picking things up, because I don’t know what to do with them! If I didn’t have this problem, there wouldn’t be toys and clothes and papers and all manner of other things strewn about. And dishes! Argh! When I said that I don’t mind cleaning things, I meant I don’t mind cleaning things other than dishes! And this is even despite the fact we have a dishwasher! ARGH!
Mello, mellow, mellow.
Even with an early bed time last night, I woke up this morning with not a lot of energy. Mood: down. Anxiety: up. So here I am on the Tuesday downhill, and I am still just looking at things and fretting. I was hoping that blogging my conundrum would help me get motivated.